not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
