The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
