I accidentally had phone sex last night
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
