Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We need to rekindle our bromance
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
