Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
