Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
