I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize