one word: firstdatebathroomanal
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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