The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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