Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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