I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Is Oprah even human
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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