I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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