WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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