I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Come see our sink grown plant.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
