Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
