I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
