lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
