kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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