I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
