my phone needs a breathalizer
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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