I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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