Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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