he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
