i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
