I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
