So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Girls should come with a carfax report
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
