She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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