So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
