Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
