Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
