I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
