idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
