How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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