i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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