My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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