Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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