the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
