I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
