I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize