Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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