ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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