For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
