If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
