do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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