My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
