God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
