if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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