bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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