my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
