i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
