i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
