I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I touched a dick in church today
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
