I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
