im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
