i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize